Before I start today, as I went to sleep last night I suddenly became aware of something! My eunuch cum smells different! My old cum had a pungent angel, rich I write liked. Seems that there’s going to be two things I will miss!

What did feel good was stroking and tickling the area where my balls had been – even running my hands along the scar felt good. I love this it all feels there!

Last night I didn’t sleep so well; I couldn’t get my temperature right. I had some mild sweats. I’m thinking that this could be testosterone withdrawal.

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This is my fourth week after castration and this week I’m allowed to start back at the gym. The alarm went off at 6am, and I struggled a bit to get up after the poor night’s sleep. I had my coffee and my banana, brushed my teeth and walked to the gym; it’s about 5 minutes walk away.

After putting my bag on the locker, I started the playlist that I was going to listen to: “tracks to make me smile” – a collection of tracks that cheer me up and energised me. Since of them are slow and maybe even might make me cry (hey! Some music is associated with memories that are happy, yet also bring a tear to my eye – a sort of happy-sad); I planned to skip anything that wasn’t going to keep the pace up.

I’m only allowed to use the elliptal trainer for the next four weeks, so I have a training plan in my head:

• Week 1: train Monday and Thursday
• Week 2: train Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
• Week 3: train Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday
• Week 4: train every day

I shall have to listen carefully to my body and stop off things don’t feel right. Today, it felt really good. Only 25 minutes. Thursday I’ll go for 30 minutes, which has to be the limit because I need to get ready for work. After that I’ll slowly increase intensity every other exercise day.

Afterwards, I did some gentle stretching. I avoided anything that would stretch the skin between my legs. It felt really good to stretch.

Showering afterwards was fun! I enjoyed being naked! There was only two guys in the shower room, and the showers themselves are in cubicles, so there’s no strutting around (which is good). I don’t expect anybody noticed, and that wasn’t the point, it was that I was naked in a public space in a body I liked.

If course, showering at gym means that I needed to do my scar treatments afterwards at home.

My elated mood dropped a little when I got home; my husband was up and clearly feeling low himself. I said (and meant) that I wish I didn’t have to stay work because he looked like he needed to talk; he appreciated me recognising how he felt, even if there was nothing that I could there and then.

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My GP has sent two chasers to endocrinology. This morning I saw the reply “we cannot expedite this patient’s referral because there are no appointments because this parent’s referral was rejected on the 22nd January 2024”. I have called the GP to alert her and her get to redo the referral. Assuming she does that today, I have a 14 day wait while the grade the referral, and only then will I know when I might get a prescription or appointment.

I think it’s time I got the Health Watchdog involved. I do not want to go further without hormones. A friend has suggested that it can be about six weeks before more serious symptoms of withdrawal kick in.

When I planned to Mexico trip, I had to accept the risk that my hormones could not be sorted before I left and that there might be problems – I have to take the responsibility for the risk. My husband, however, is also affected by this delay and he was not involved in the decision. I hope there are no real consequences of this delay that will impact on my relationship.

Chasing the GP at the end of the day, the referral is still on her list of things to do … so I’ll be chasing tomorrow.