Well, if I thought my tummy troubles were over, I was mistaken! I went to the loo three times yesterday, each time with increasing looseness! The last one threatened to erupt while I was out walking the dog. I made it back only just in time. I have no idea what’s upset my stomach: it’s not antibiotics or ibuprofen.

My husband suggested that I wash using his E45 cream because it’s not scented and hasn’t got anything added to it. It was a bit kinder to me sensitive areas. That tiny blind boil is still sore.

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I showed my husband my cock. He was taken aback by how long it looks without it’s escorts. He has always felt a little inadequate in the trouser area, despite being both girthier and longer than me. However, my sexual acting out before the big “I want to be castrated” announcement, left him feeling even more inadequate than before; he’s been using penis pumps, and cock stretchers, and other gadgets to make himself bigger. It’s actually really distressing to see him so unhappy. I had never considered that me losing my balls would make him feel less-than – I expected the exact opposite: he is a complete man, I am not. If either of us is “less than” it’s me! And I quite like that I am!! It really irritates me that he feels like that.

Actually, irritated isn’t the word. It’s not even close. I’m suddenly feeling very negative about that part of my body – my cock – I’ve never felt negative about it before. I feel myself thinking that maybe it would have been better to have had the whole shebang removed. Such thoughts scare me – dysphoria isn’t something I’d wish on anybody, and I have a real fear of it coming back. I am going to have to work on this and explore it – sometimes voicing things can take the strength out of it.

I shared this with him, because I’d promised to be honest, but also because of things I’d learnt with the psychologist and counsellor. I thought it would take the power out of it. I don’t know if it did; my husband continued talking where he left off the night before. I feel beaten by it. I have been such a horrible person to him. The danger here is that I go into self-pity and stop hearing what he’s saying and instead sink into my own dispair. It’s happened before. I really start thinking about self-harm. I used to band my balls a lot more after he talked to me. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have any means of relieving horrible feelings …

… except talking about them. So I told my husband that I was feeling emotional and overwhelmed, and worthless and hopeless and that things were pointless. That I felt shame over some of the the ways I’ve been been and said in the past. Initially it didn’t help. I said that in the past I might have self-harmed to alleviate my distress. I cried a bit. I recognised that there was a bit of self-pity in there as well. We talked some more and the inner pressure dropped back to something more manageable. I think that we both heal when he knows how I’m feeling and that our conversations are not all one way.

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The day ended ok. No nookie – and I don’t know when that’s ever going to happen with the way things are – but my husband cooked us a delicious Sunday lunch and we had a peaceful evening watching telly.

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Actually, at the end of the day, I sneaked upstairs to have a “systems check”. Hardness was 100%, the orgasm was good, but kinda strange asi could feel that I was trying to retract my balls, but there were none to retract. My cum tastes like precum, which is sweet; and there was more than I expected. This was a proper job, with my hand along the shaft rather than a gentle massage of the head. It felt good to grip myself that way again.