I might have got away without sleeping in the car last night, as my husband wasn’t quite so aggy, but I nodded off and slept 3.5 hours before I went back into the house. I don’t wake rested and I am struggling with the alarm as a result. I also missed two “private number” calls at 00:17. They were probably from the crisis team for Ant; I put my phone on “do not disturb” at night and only approved numbers can make the phone ring, otherwise it’s pinging all night with emails and other messages.

I think that sleeping in the car is hurting my right wrist, which is the side I sleep on.

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I asked an online friend of mine for the definition of “bivalve” (he’s the guy with a vagina), this is what he wrote:

I, as a Non-Binary Gay identifying male, am – as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary:  Bivalve–any of a class (Bivalvia synonym Pelecypoda) of typically marine mollusks (such as clams, oysters, or scallops) that have a 2-valved hinged shell, are usually filter feeders, and lack a distinct head.  To wit, I say:  Many men call themselves beef (e.g:  Beefcake, Bulls)  Women referred to as “Fish!”  Myself when asked by knuckle-dragging men–  I’m a Bivalve!!!

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I have been pointed at this local resource for myself and my husband by one of the ambulance people who came for my husband on the weekend; I’ve got a call booked with them for Wednesday.

https://beyond-reflections.org.uk/

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Two police officers came to the office today to interview me about what has been happening at home; it was because the ambulance people witnessed my husband’s verbal abuse, and I let slip that he’d grabbed my crotch so they raised a safe-guarding issue. I am impressed that the police took it so seriously – it is serious. They asked about our history, and I went into quite some detail about our past, and some of the behaviours that have so hurt my husband, sometimes they would ask a question such as “has your husband ever coerced you into doing something you didn’t want to do?” To which I then replied “no, but I’ve coerced him when I tried to enlist him in sex acts that he finds uncomfortable and didn’t want to do”. I told them about my dark fantasies and how they had upset my husband and that I’ve effectively lied to him for 26 years about my body issues. I also mentioned that his PTSD and bipolar sometimes got scary and violent and that I have just to leave the house or take a beating. I also mentioned that sometimes I lashed out at him. They asked if I was staying there because I felt that I couldn’t leave, and today I find the answer is “no”; I still believe that we’ll be able to work out out (yesterday I felt different!). I explained that I didn’t want to be away from home because I was afraid for him as well as of him. To my relief, when asked, they said that they didn’t want to see my husband – I’m relieved because I do not want him further traumatised.

The police officers were sensitive and I believe understood what I was saying and where I was coming from. I have some things to read that include help lines and a telephone and I have the email address of one of the officers.

After they’d left, there was a slightly awkward question from my boss’s boss about why the police were there; “oh, something at home” I replied and quickly left the office before a follow up question could be marshalled and deployed.

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Husband is much the same as yesterday, maybe a bit quieter. Hopefully, I’ll be able to start the night in bed and stay there! He’s plaguing for his nighttime pills. It’s only 8pm; if I give them to him now, he’ll be awake again by midnight. He’s cross that I’m treating him like a child. I am afraid that I am tired and irritable.

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And as for the actual subject of this blog: today was a zero dressing day, in my jeans, at work. I’m just starting to feel uncomfortable and craving my nice soft jogging bottoms … sadly husband has borrowed them!

My tummy is still unstable on the antibiotics. I nearly got caught short: husband was on the loo and the need came upon me quite suddenly. Oh my! Are you going to be long? Ow! Ow! Thank god he wasn’t too long – as I landed my buttocks on the seat, so the evacuation began! Let that be a lesson to do you guys who fancy having your balls cut off! Antibiotics and the continued risk of humiliation by spontaneous evacuation!

I went for brunch with my boss (my friend) and told him much of what it was like and what’s been happening at home. I didn’t get to the details of the operation, nor the state of my equipment, but then there are somethings that you just can’t talk to a flesh and blood friend about!