My husband really is in a bad way. I have slowly get him out of it before we can really start working on our relationship. I gave him a lot of hurt while I was ignoring – fighting – who I am and have a lot of amends to make towards him. He talked last night and this morning, which was exhausting after more than 24 hours travelling. It was really hard to deal with, not because what he’s saying is irrational, but because it’s disordered and confusing to follow (I’m not contesting the truth of much of it). Being very tired from the journey and not getting much sleep hasn’t helped.

Talking of the journey; I ached a bit last night, but nothing too bad, and apart from feeling very tired, I don’t seem to be paying for it today!

---

I’ve just had a shower and replaced the dressings by myself. Everything is still swollen, but the bruising is fading. It’s a little sore to touch, but the numbness is fading. I stood up and had a little cock dance and enjoyed the feeling of having no balls. I must say that I felt amazing. I took a video and watched it back and I’m really happy with how it looks!

---

The day has mostly been trying to stay awake and stay calm while my husband talks at me. I’ve had to go out to pick up sleeping pills for him. Now, I think, I can sneak a doze!

I actually slept (well, I listened to about an hour and a half of hypnosis tracks), before realising that it was 6pm and time for tea.

Before, during, and after tea, my husband talked, rarely pausing for breath. I made the mistake of engaging, which rarely helps things. It can make him more agitated and starts me getting emotional. I kinda got away with it.

The disappointing thing for me with my husband’s PTSD is that it drives my feelings into safety boxes because to react is fatal. Responding is risky. I’ve enjoyed the open, unfiltered, feeling me that emerged when I came out as a eunuch and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stuff all that away again!

The saddest thing for me (aside from the emotional pain my husband is in) is that I haven’t been able to tell him anything about my adventure in Mexico. He knows the operation happened and that is it.