Sunday I had two last times. The first was my last long run as a full male. It’s going to be at least a month, possibly longer, until I can try running again. I’m interested to know what impact an interruption in hormone supply will have on my fitness; while I’m recovering I’m going to have to eat very sensibly to avoid putting on weight. I’m not going to be able to avoid some drop off in my fitness levels, but knowing that’s going to happen I’m not going to feel too discouraged when I start exercising again. I am planning to change some of the ways I exercise, mostly I have to accept that I’m of an age now where certain kinds of training just won’t yield the results I want, so I’ll be switching to more endurance based rather than strength based (sadly, older people respond better to endurance rather than strength exercise).

The other last time is sex. For me this was massively significant, although my husband didn’t want to mark the last time because he feels some grief over the end of my balls. There are a few reasons for the significance:

• Hey! I’m having my balls cut off, and even though I want them gone, I still wanted to use them one last time – and I wanted to give my last orgasm to my husband.
• Seriously, I’m having an important part of my male anatomy removed and I have to accept responsibility for the risk to my sexual function that it carries … what if I can’t get erections or orgasm, even when on replacement testosterone? This risk is one reason why my husband is upset and concerned about the operation. This could really be the last time my husband and I are able to cum together. I have taken this decision and not involved my husband in it, so at times my taking of this risk for our relationship hurts and angers him, and I understand that.
• Finally, my husband and I have been talking about opening up our relationship; one of the things he said was that he didn’t know whether we would be able to continue having sex together if we did that. I don’t feel that opening up makes that necessary, but he mightn’t feel like he wants to have sex with me afterwards. If he does start exploring while I’m away (we have talked about it and I’m ok if he does), it could be that he really doesn’t feel like we can have sex together afterwards, so again we might have had our last time together.

For any guy seeking castration, the process, both before, the act of, and after, is going to be a Big Deal. It might be hugely arousing to think about it and fantasise about it, but there are risks and consequences – I might completely lose my libido, or still have a libido but lose the means to satisfy it. I have to be grown up about the risks.

It’s still bloody exciting though!