My husband and I are continuing to talk. There is increasingly a feeling with him that talking is pointless now until after my nuts come off. Then we talk for an hour or two.

There is so much still to say. I follow a few trans chats on Reddit, looking for insights into how my husband is feeling. Sometimes it’s easier to hear it from somebody else, sometimes it just clicks when I read it rather than hear it. I’m working really hard to take in how he feels about me becoming a eunuch and how he feels about everything that has happened in our past. There’s a lot of stuff that’s hard to hear. Sometimes when I read about the perception of partners on their twisting l transitioning other half I recognise my behaviours – especially the secrecy and dishonesty. I try to give myself a break because it could have been no other way: whether you’re gay or trans or something else you can only come out in your own time. Nevertheless, my husband is hurting and needs to be heard.

Listening to so much hurt can feel overwhelming, it leaves me feeling “what’s the point?” and “who is he still here if things were so bad and he’s still getting so bad?”. My self-harm urge get stronger, as they are some form of release. I’m not sure that my husband understands that. Oh, he understands self-harm – better than anybody – but he wonders why, considering that in 2 weeks time I will get exactly what I say I need, that I still feel the urge to band my balls.

I do not know. I think it’s just habit that when I’m stressed, that’s what I do. I guess it’s a worry for after the op because I won’t have that release. I will really have to work the healthier coping mechanisms I have been taught.

And really, I am just going to have to get some perspective – if my husband is taking to me, it’s because he wants it future to be better than it past.