I went back to my home town today to see my dad, my brother, and my gorgeous nephews. I don’t intend telling my dad what’s happening; he’s nearly 80 and I don’t think I want the hassle. My brother is 5 years younger than me and I have felt that there’s been a bit of a barrier between us because of this secret of mine. It’s funny how 2 little things can stimmy a whole relationship.

Before I went, I asked my husband about how to raise it with my brother; he suggested a way of breaking it to him that I decided to go with – I would start by saying that there was something I wanted to share with him and that I felt uncomfortable saying due to my brother’s testicular cancer back in COVID times.

After seeing my dad, I drove over to my brother’s house, and had a cup of tea. He said that he needed some cigarettes. Wow! That was just the opportunity I needed, so I said that I would come along.

After he’d bought them I told him that I didn’t want to go back yet because there was something I needed to share. I said that I was physically healthy, but there was something that I had been carrying for many, many years, probably since my late teens or early twenties. It was extremely difficult to speak, despite my reduced inhibitions, mostly because I was feeling emotional and a little afraid, though not hugely afraid (surprisingly), I was trying to find the best way to proceed. In the end I told him that, approximately six months ago, I came out to my husband as non-binary and that I wanted identity affirming surgery. I told him that I wasn’t a woman, but I didn’t quite feel that I fitted the conventional male mind or body. I told him how that revelation and the others that came out at the same time had upset my husband, but that we had been talking and talking, and that whilst my husband didn’t want me to have the operation, he accepted that it was going to happen, that it needed to happen, and he was being supportive.

My brother asked for a bit more detail about the operation and I said that I was going to have two of the three items removed. He got it, but he asked whether the third item was going to remain. I tell you, discussing one’s genitals with one’s brother is not within the usual scope of expected experience! I don’t mind though, his curiosity came a large part from caring about me. He is a very sensitive soul who has suffered a lot in his life.

There were tears and hugs and much reassurance. We talked about hormones, despite him having had one testicle removed, he didn’t know much about how the male reproductive system worked. He asked directly about my ability “to make goo”. I explained that sperm wasn’t the largest component of spunk – most of it is prostate fluid, and if I’m on hormones I should be able to get erections and make “goo”.

I shared that during an earlier conversation with my husband, hubby had stated that “shame doesn’t live in our house any more”: I have spent a long time feeling ashamed of how I feel about my body and how I want it changed. I am not going to feel shame anymore. Bro loved that; he loved that I feel the way I do about myself and what I’m doing.

I told my brother that he could ask me anything, or speak to my husband. He said that hubby could talk to him as well – he could even go there to get away if he wanted to!

It feels great to have another ally on my journey. Having shared what I shared, I felt open and unblocked in my relationship with my brother.

Following my revelation, he then shared one of his own. He has an interesting horticultural hobby which he describes as “growing exotic flowers”. During this conversation I learnt that it’s not the leaves that get smoked, it’s the flowers! Live and learn!

Then I spent an hour playing with my nephew’s train set. Simply a perfect day!