For once, me having my balls cut off doesn’t actually figure very highly in a post!

Today my husband and I had a long overdue discussion about the boundaries of our relationship. It’s about twenty-six years overdue. When I came out as wanting (ok, here’s a mention) castration, I said that I felt that I was unfiltered, meaning that I could talk about or think about anything – that I wasn’t constrained the way I used to be. This coming out has been really liberating in that regard.

One of the things that we talked about early on in the process was how I had made my husband complicit in my sexual fantasies without this consent and with zero discussion. This was a very wrong thing to do and I have to say was a bit abusive really. I’d previously tried unsuccessfully to introduce kink into our relationship, again that wasn’t really talked about and died, leaving me unfulfilled and frustrated.

If you’ve been reading other posts of mine, you’ll know that my “coming out” caused a crisis of identity with my husband. To help him with that I suggested that he talk to other people and explore who he was and what he liked. He regarded it (in a sarcastic tone) as a “gift”, and the way he put it was “what if, in order to explore myself, I fully unwrap the gift?”, meaning “I would like to try having sex outside of the relationship”. That wasn’t quite what I meant!

A problem that we have both experienced in our relationship was that we felt that we had to be enough for each other, specifically that we had to be all things to our partner. That’s a lot of pressure. I suggested that we ought to be enough in ourselves, but perhaps we should consider that where the other couldn’t fulfil what was needed, that we consider other options, whilst accepting that our partner was in no way inadequate.

So today we had a conversation about opening up our relationship. I could not have handled this before. It got a little heated at times, occasionally a little emotional, but overall it was very calm. Between us, we raised a number of concerns:

• Health: in a monogamous relationship one doesn’t need to worry about safer sex (if you’re both clear to start with).
• My husband felt that we open up the relationship that he would want us to stop having sex, I do not want us to stop having sex with each other.
• If only one of us was successful in hooking up, how would the other feel?
• We want to talk about whatever happens while I’m away.
• We need to talk about this much more, once we both have a clearer idea of our feelings on it.
• I may not be in any state to talk about anything heavy when I get back from having my balls cut off … but I’m gonna have to try!

He’s ordered a book about opening up a relationship, which sounds interesting. I’ll let you know if it’s any good!

Something I must add here is just how much I trust my husband. I haven’t always, and he had nothing to earn my distrust: his defining characteristic is honesty. Not to be honest actually hurts him. There was nothing other than his own conscience that stopped him from seeking sex outside and not telling me anything – he could do it and I would never know – I honour his honesty. I hope that he comes to feel the same about me one day.

So, there you go. We have had our first attempt at reconfiguring our relationship. Wish us luck!