In my last part I wrote how doubt would mug me at night when I was trying to sleep. Since then I’ve spoken to a couple of people who’ve been through this and my husband. I have also had a good night’s sleep!

My husband gets the emotions I describe and was able to listen to what I said. He didn’t want to say anything that might make me think that he was opposing me – he’s been burnt by my reactions to that in the past (it made me act out and self-harm, which wasn’t his fault, it was just that the urge to remove my balls gets particularly intense when I feel my “plan” is threatened). It felt good to let him in.

I’ve also spoken to a couple of online friends who have had work done downstairs. In both cases they said they felt nervous and had doubts. My nullo friend said that he felt 90% confidence in what he was doing … leaving 10% of doubt. Both of them love what their bodies are like now. I find it reassuring that people who have happily transitioned also had doubts.

There is a guy on Reddit who pops up periodically trying to persuade me not to get castrated. From one of the stories he’s told me (and there have been a couple), he said that he was effectively bullied into it by his partner. In effect, he never wanted to be castrated. How was it going to work and he successful if he didn’t want it for himself anyway? So I believe that I am fundamentally different from this guy in a number of crucial ways. The first is that I really want this – need this – and secondly that I intend to fully embrace the identity that it brings with it.

I plan to be happy.