It’s three weeks today that I’ll be having my operation, and increasingly my mind is turning to thoughts of “is this the last time x will happen as a full male?”. X might be anything. Next weekend I’m seeing my dad and my brother, that will definitely be the last time I see them before the operation (they don’t know about the operation or anything to do with it). Other last times like the last time I use the gym showers as a full male, or a changing room in a store. This week I’m wearing a cock cage knowing that I’ll never wear one again (the reason I’m wearing it at all is a bit weird because it stopped being fun months ago and it makes me super-aware of my balls: it is because I shall never wear one again).

Intimate moments seem especially significant; I really want to remember those … just in case something goes wrong. I am risking the sexual health of my relationship – and the physical union with my husband.

I’m wondering why it matters and why I’m thinking like this. These thoughts are all tied up with the excitement (and some amount of trepidation) – the anticipation of physical change, and maybe more emotional and mental change. I am expecting and hoping for some changes, but I don’t know what those will be. Physically, hoping that I’ll still be able to get erections and cum on testosterone; I should be ok, but it is a real risk. I’m hoping that I don’t suffer from depression, which I’m aware could happen while I have low testosterone. I’m hoping I don’t put on weight: I’ll just have to eat less for a bit!

I’m hoping that this physical change will cement the emotional changes I’ve experienced since I came out as non-binary. These emotion things are wonderful and terrible, but having connected with them – and with my husband – life feels more colourful, richer, more worth living. I am excited for life and I want to explore it with my husband.

Of course, then will come the first times: the first time I see my dad and brother afterwards, the first time I use the gym showers, or shop changing rooms as a gelding …. and the first time my husband and I are intimate with each other. That is a particular first I want to treasure always.