For the first few months after I came out as non-binary and needing castration to affirm my identity, I didn’t have emotional space to consider what my husband was going through. It is only these last few weeks as my own emotional turmoil began to settle that I could really hear how he’s been feeling and give some consideration for what he needs.
I have hidden these feelings about myself for nearly thirty years. He thought he was married to one kind of person and suddenly feels that he’s married to somebody completely different. What I write here is specifically for him from me and is directed from the perspective of my transition from male-to-eunuch, however it might be of use any relationship – if it helps you and your partner, gentle reader, then I am gladdened!
I am going to continue to research and will create further posts for partners – any suggestions welcome!
The place I first started exploring my gender and sexuality was Reddit; this can be a hard and vicious place (my first postings in askgaybros left me emotionally shredded), but it can also be a wonderful place, there are a few communities that I would recommend partners investigate:
- mypartneristrans – as it says on the tin – this is for partners of vanilla trans people (who’d have thought that trans could be considered “mainstream”!? – its just perspective from the more marginalised eunuch perspective) – this community is probably the best as it enables partners to connect with other partners
- askaeunuch – this is a new community, but you can ask anything you like, and somebody will try to answer your questions
- asktransgender – this is a place where cis people can ask trans people questions
- askatransperson – similar to the above
There is a book that is written to help partners of trans people come to terms with what’s going on and work through their own feelings. I have ordered it for my husband – I’ll let yawl know whether its any good when it arrives: The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People: Your Transition as Your Partner Transitions.
The Eunuch Archive may be able to answer some questions, but it is primarily for nullos and eunuchs. As you’ll be able to gather from my other posts, there is a problem with users being summarily ejected without explanation or right of appeal, however you might get some answers before that happens!
Here are a couple of background videos about eunuchs that might be helpful:
Reflections from various people on difficulties they or their partners had
I have not cited sources to protect the original poster
When I told my first partner that I was getting my testicles removed was the worst. When I had the conversation with him he told me he was gay and loved men and me without testicles meant I was no longer a man to him. Him and I were only together another 2 years after that when he went into the military. My current husband I talked to about my orchiectomy from the start of our relationship, he knew they would eventually go away. What scared him the most was he thought I was going to immediately call myself a woman and leave him. Once my husband and I came to the conclusion that we were not going to leave each other regarding the way we look as it was who we were that we fell in love with.
My partner took a lot of persuading for my nullo. He say he’s gay and wants to be with a man. But I worked on him and eventually he accepted it. It’s a shock for them and hopefully, he will come round.
… it takes time to adjust and process, and probably a sense of loss and grieving – he has to mourn the loss of the balls.
I feel like I have become the side character in someone else’s story. I love that we have a diverse group of queer friends who can support him, but no one seems to have any support left to give for me. There’s been a lot of scrutiny and even shame sent my way—”You are capable of loving him for who he is, right?” Yes, always, but I don’t know if love alone can hold up a 6 year marriage. His gender identity is immutable, but my sexual orientation is expected to be fluid and accommodating. I want to try, but I also feel resentful of the fact that it’s expected of me, and that my goodness as a person apparently hinges on it. He doesn’t tell me these things directly, but our friends do—they’re not shy about it, and he doesn’t say anything to correct them.
He’s changed a lot. Not just physically, but personality. For the past five months, everything has been about transition and transness. The effort he put towards my birthday and Christmas were both pretty lacking. “I’m going through a lot right now,” is the constant refrain, and “right now” feels indefinite.
I don’t think our marriage is going to survive this, and I can see the writing on the wall that I’m going to lose most of my friends when that happens. It’s like they’re not satisfied unless this story has a villain, and there’s no way for me to be good enough, supportive enough, obliging enough without completely losing myself in the process.
It already feels like I’m all alone.
Eunuchorn 
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