I’ve been trying to take a blood sample to establish what my testiculated testosterone levels are so that I know whether I’m too high or too low once I get detesticulated (I love those words, thanks Magus!). I ordered a kit from Superdrug before Christmas. After 3 attempts with the lancets and a rather tentative try with a razor, I managed to collect a single drop off blood: not enough.

They were kind enough to send another kit, which I had a go at between Christmas and New Year, with much the same results. To be fair, I do bleed a little and blood does get everywhere, but it’s not enough blood and I just could not get it into the tiny vial.

So they sent another kit. This time my husband suggested that rather than trying to get the blood out of the end of my finger, as the instructions said, to get it from a vein. I figured that it was worth a go. My left arm (my usual arm that I try to get blood from) is covered in tattoos and I couldn’t see where the veins were, so my husband decided that we’d do the right arm. We used a rubber cock ring as a sort of torniquet and I squeezed one of the dog’s balls to pump some blood. Husband then used the lancet on the vein in the crook of my arm, where nurses taking blood usually go. When he removed the lancet a thin jet of blood pumped a couple of meters across the kitchen. There was blood running down my arm, over the kitchen work surfaces, down the front of the kitchen units, and on the floor. The dog assisted with cleaning up the floor.

Hubby managed to completely fill the vial this time. It did take a while for me to do bleeding. So that’s what we have to do, a single lancet into a proper vein, a tourniquet, and plenty of tissues.