Gratitude. Despite his own misgivings and pain over my need for castration and the state of our relationship, my husband bought me some amazing gifts. The first was a small necklaces with a non-binary symbol, which he said might help with my identity. That brought tears to my eyes. He also gave me a collar and a lead; this hurt him because of the way I’d introduced kink to us, but I loved that he honoured that side of myself. I feel blessed and very lucky.

Christmas day was peaceful; we watched trash telly and children’s films and did nothing nor said anything exciting. The only thing of any controversy shared was that both of us did have an urge to self-harm; we held that space for each other and neither of us did anything to hurt ourselves.

And by the end of the day my bloody brain was again obsessing – the usual rubbish it comes up with when things are going well: the urgency for castration (though not the desire) seems to recede and leaves me feeling confused and more anxious – and the thoughts to bind my balls up grow, as if to prove a point. Weird. I am getting used to these ebbs and flows of emotion and they take me less unawares. I am beginning to feel more like an integrated human being.