Yesterday, I had a call with the psychologist with the mental health team. Interesting conversation. He’s new to my mind if issue, but we talked on the phone for over an hour.

His opinion is that I am borderline dysmorphia (due to being somewhat fixated on my testicles) and gender dysphoric.

Dysmorphia is a working possibility because it does suggest that he thinks that removing my testicles is just the top of the shopping list and I’ll want other things modified or changed afterwards. Gender dysphoria is ok, as that would imply that one I got what I asked for that I would be content.

He’s offered me a meeting tomorrow, with a couple of follow ups to do an assessment. Following that I could decide to have some therapy with primary care; this would have approximately a 2 month waiting list and the therapy would last about 3 months. Alternatively, I could opt for secondary care therapy, which would be longer and more intensive but has a ONE YEAR waiting list.

This stresses me out! I was about to pay a deposit on having the horrible things removed in February with the Mexico clinic – for which I am really excited!

I feel that I should take the offered therapy. I do not want to. The thought of a delay makes me feel physically ill.

When spoke about it with my husband, he refused to get involved. I understand why: any time anything gets in the way I seem to have a meltdown.

Over night I’ve thought and consulted with a few people. I’ve ranted about having to make and remake and justify the same decision and how existing that was. I’ve lamented that I’ve nobody who is really “on my side” – I’m not saying that people don’t want the best for me, but I long for somebody with whom I can share my excitement, they could even say “let’s do this properly, tick the boxes, plan it carefully, and then finally celebrate the end of the journey” – somebody who will be there with me.

My thoughts as I wait to go into this meeting with the psychologist are that I do not want any referrals.

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I’ve not long had my meeting with the psychologist. Nearly two hours! Nice chap. Kind of hot, too (sorry, unnecessary detail).

When asked what is like to do about referrals, I explained that it was exhausting making and remaking and defending the same decision. Feeling that everyone is on some way against my decision. Wanting somebody to stand with me, tell me that they have confidence in me. Maybe it’s too much to know that someone might say that it’s all going to be alright. I ended up a blubbering wreck. The psychologist observed that I am feeling very lonely. I am. Utterly alone with this. I get that it is and can only be my decision – I only want somebody’s reassurance and comfort.

… and thank you to everybody here, I need and appreciate your support and input, but it’s a physical hand in mine that I need. Poor little boy lost! :D

The rest of the meeting was ok. Lots of talking about childhood and adolescence and a little about body. I’m seeing him again next week when we’ll talk about drugs and stuff.

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Later, when I got home, I told my husband about the meeting and the feelings that it had brought up … and that I’d rejected the referrals and was sticking with the Mexico plan. I expected difficulties but instead we had a really intimate and lovely conversation at the end of which I felt supported. I had expected and was quite prepared to go to macho on my own, but he is insisting on coming. I am grateful and glad.

I shall be paying the deposit tonight.

I feel at peace – the first time in I don’t know when!