Husband and I are continuing to talk about our relationship. We really are in a difficult place, although I am hopeful when all is said and done that we will be in the best place ever – it is more than a little bit of “kill or cure” for us. Curiously, he is now saying “just get it done”, as he is freaking out with the uncertainties about what the operation will mean for us and how each of us will feel afterwards. In so many ways, my balls are now the blocker in conversations about our relationship. I’m not sure how I feel about his recent change in attitude – should I “trust” it?

It has been suggested that I focus on the relationship and then deal with my body issues. There is some sense to that. However, body issues seem to dominate everything right now – we can’t have sex without it feeling awkward, he can’t even commit to me long term because of them. My testicles are figuratively looming large over everything. Having my balls removed would remove a big area of uncertainty and we would both know what we were dealing with in regards to feelings about how I will look and the functioning of my body.

Funny thing is, that for the first time in ages I actually feel stable enough and feel inclined to take just a little time to research and rule things out (I’m not talking oodles of time, just a little). I mean, I know the NHS is going to be slow and will almost certainly be a dead end: I am not prepared to wait for that juggernaut to maybe turn in my favour – it’s going to be nearly 2 months before I even get a “thank you for your referral” letter, it could be 6 months or longer before I even get an appointment to see somebody, and at any point they are likely to say “nope, we don’t do eunuchs”. I do need to illustrate to husband that private care in the UK is going to fail because I cannot get a gender dysphoria diagnosis here unless I’m willing to pretend to be a trans woman.

Whilst I’m under the care of the Crisis Team, I do have some access to a psychiatrist and may be able to get a diagnosis of some sort – I suppose I’m curious what that diagnosis might be and whether it would be of any help.

I’m also waiting for a friend to return from Mexico – I trust him (I feel that he has looked out for me ever since we first encountered each other). He is performing the ultimate in emperical research. I dearly hope that he is happy with everything (and not only for my own selfish reasons) … he is just such a lovely person who has struggled for so long and really deserves the best of outcomes. For him and his news I am waiting on tenterhooks!

On a hilarious side, it’s been a week wearing a cock cage “for my safety”, but neither I nor my husband knows where the key is!