I’ve just had my first meeting with a psychiatrist. No diagnosis as yet as he had to soak to his superior. He doesn’t think I’m psychotic and isn’t particularly worried about depression, he’s going to discuss the possibility of prescribing some more level SSRIs to help with anxiety and sleep, and since I’ve promised my husband that I will approach everything with an open mind as a condition of his support, I suppose that’s what I should do!

They want to explore whether this is a dysmorphia that is short lived and can be therapied away, and they definitely want to make sure that it starts and ends with my testicles – according to the psychiatrist, some people get over thing addressed and straight away move onto something else. I don’t think that’s me: all I want is my balls removed, such little things, I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.

I’m continuing my policy of 100% honesty. Having started that way, I don’t think I have any option to buy to continue with it!

Something that I am concerned with: yesterday the mental health nurse said that her boss was disappointed that he couldn’t get to my assessment because he’d heard of “body integrity disorder” but had not encountered a case like mine. I had an indication from the psychiatrist today that I was the first he’d met. I am a little worried that I am also a professional curiosity and I’m hoping that it won’t get in the way of effective “treatment”.

It is interesting seeing the different reactions from people though. My counsellor (he) looks a little uncomfortable, my doctor (she) seems also distressed but compassionate within the sector of her role, the mental health nurse (she) was a marvellous listener and I didn’t get any sense of discomfort from her, there urologist (she) was just very cross with me, and the psychiatrist (he) seemed academically interested.

I am aware that the longer this takes, there more my antipathy towards them grows. I hate the way they look, the way they feel when they touch my legs, they disturb me when I sleep, I can’t work out where to put them!

I have another appointment with mental health of Sunday…