Originally published 11th November 2023

Thursday I had my regular counselling session. Whilst we did talk a lot about the way my relationship send to be an absolute mess, we also talked about honest and immediacy … and being authentic. That word resonated with me; the night before we’d watched Drag Race and a fairly gender-ambiguous guy (he was actually gay) take about how his partner had come out as trans and somehow her ended up with a woman, bit loved the person not the gender. I am sure there is a sexual orientation kind of label for such things. He mentioned about being inspired by his (now) girlfriend begcoming her authentic self – that phrase really works for me and I can apply it to myself – actually I can see how not being my authentic self has actually prevented me from being immediate and honest about a large number of my feelings.

That evening I just a long conversation about authenticity, honesty, and immediacy with my husband. He apologised for describing castration as “self-mutilation”, and I said that I didn’t think I was really self harming, but I actually had an identity issue, to which he agreed … that feels somewhat like progress.

Today I started making enquiries along the “official channels” for removal of my balls. I actually don’t think that anything will come of it since “eunuch” isn’t anything recognised by the NHS. I’m fact, NHS Scotland “accidentally” recognised it and then quickly retracted after an outcry from the Daily Mail (famous for its “Daily Hate” – currently the topic for seem to be trans issues). I have to try I suppose!

A phrase did come to my mind to describe how I am helping today, now I accepting of what I want and of who I really am: “gender euphoric”. I feel really excited and cannot wait to take more steps – my impatience is actually the biggest risk to me right now!